Move-in Madness

"Fully furnished"

Yah Raaahhht!

I suppose I am spoiled. Ok, I believe I deserve to be treated like a princess. Anything wrong with that?

But when you are told by the Relocation Department that you don't need to bring anything except "your clothes and any personal items that will make your place feel more like a home", you hope that at least that means that there will be drinking glasses, a shower rod and curtain, and a desk at which you will be able to park your computer for the 2-6 hours of meetings you have every night.

But maybe I am stretching it to believe that there will be a mirror or even some storage place in the bathroom besides the 2 inches of level space adjacent to the faucet, or on the tank behind the toilet. Or maybe I am complaining if I want light fixtures aside from bare bulbs hanging from the ceiling. Or an ironing board to go with the iron they did buy me. Or cold water along with the hot water in the kitchen sink (with gloves on, the scalding is minimized). Hey - I have hot water!! What am I whining about?

Then there's the light switch that triggers that breaker to trip, but then takes the whole apartment down with it. Or the electric blinds (cool huh!?) where up is down, and down is up. Or beautiful ceramic tile with smears of grout hardened in ugly brown patterns.

Of course, if one expects the whole bathroom to get wet when you shower, then it makes sense to not have a place to put the toilet paper. After all, it'd get wet too, and who wants to use wet toilet paper.

Drapes? Nah, we know that the inventory list says that there should be drapes, but the aura of darkness instilled by the solitary-confinement prison cell appearance of the light-blocking shutters is by far better for the soul than any wispy fabric hung from a cold iron rod.

I think I laughed (or cried) the most when I talked with the landlord of this brand new apartment. I had been already planning how to convince him that he needed to install additional counter space, in the form of a bar that wrapped around to close off the kitchen from open view of the entering world, and provide much needed additional counter space. (I am messy when I cook. Princesses can be messy and no one should complain.) He proceeds to tell me how the original plans had a disturbing low wall and counter around the kitchen, and he made the builders knock it out. He likes it OPEN! Hmph, I bet he never cooks either!